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Features, Top PostsThe Daily Mark Sanchez to Canton Watch: Broadway Schmo
Welcome to the real Big Apple, kid. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. But if you don’t make it here, they’ll abuse you as if you were the homely stepchild of an alcoholic military father suffering from PTSD and combat withdrawal.
It’s going to get so bad, you’ll not only need a therapist you’ll need a never-ending supply of oxycontin, late-night dates with Kate Hudson and sideline fantasies involving Suzy Kolber to get your senses back. They may turn you into such a basketcase you’ll actually look at your $50-million contract and wonder if it’s worth it. Your girlfriends aren’t going to look this good again and if one does, she’ll think people on the street are laughing at her when they’re laughing at you and you’ll end up with Madonna on the rebound.
That Sanchise nickname? It’ll be your albatross.
So, how does that all feel, Mark Sanchez?
“I just want to show the guys that they can have faith in me and why it’s a good idea to have faith in me.”
And why should they?
“I’ve played six games and we’ve lost three and two of them I would say you can blame on No. 6. It feels pretty bad.”
So why should they have faith in you?
“It was totally my fault and I owe these guys a lot.”
Yeah, yeah, we all know that. You’re preaching to the choir on that one.
“The weather is not a factor when you make a bad read. The weather is not a factor when you miss Dustin [Keller] wide open down the middle of the field. I wish I could blame the weather.”
Nope. You’re blaming you for the 16-13 loss to the Bills and so is everyone else. The question is, why do you not belong on the bench after throwing five interceptions in a loss to possibly the worst team in the AFC?
“I’ve got to turn this thing around. There’s no excuse to play like that. I’m putting way too much time and effort into this. I’m totally focused on playing, but to come out and have a day like this is embarrassing.”
Answer the question, Mark. Why should you start next week in Oakland?
“I don’t know if I could play any worse.”
Hmmm … that’s a reason. Maybe we shouldn’t give him the Bubby Brister treatment just yet. Onward to Canton!
*The DMSTCW forecasts Mark Sanchez will be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2030 after an 18-year career during which he will accumulate: 111,186 passing yards (he was born on November 11, 1986); 6 Super Bowl championships (to go along with his uniform number); $1 billion in endorsements (including several deals involving teeth-whitening products); 11,550 panties (same numbers as the zip code of the Jets’ headquarters in Hempstead, New York, which incidentally, will be renamed Sanchezstead upon his retirement); enough pats on the behind from Fireman Ed to make him feel uncomfortable; and 1 kiss from Suzy Kolber (willingly given).
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Oct 19, 2009
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Silly me, I thought the fact that the Jets screwed up the snap on a field goal attempt, had a major penalty every time they got the ball in overtime, and lost Jenkins also had something to do with it.
Some great performances wasted by all the stupidity, too.