Friday

The Daily Mark Sanchez to Canton Watch: What’s code for ‘win the damn game’?

Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan are now speaking in code. Sanchez said he didn’t think the code words “would make sense to anybody but us” and didn’t divulge them. However, NFLPosts.com enlisted our resident staff telepath to learn the words in the Sanchez-Ryan lexicon.

We wondered how many ways you can tell someone to turn down the suck and what we found was the Jets’ coach was thinking the same thing with his invented language. Here’s what we’ve discovered about the one-word instructions Ryan will communicate to his QB:

“Garrrrrrr”: Translates to “you stupid piece of USC shit.”
“D’oh”: Ryan, doing his best Homer Simpson, admits to Sanchez he called the wrong play.
“Thinkthinkthinkthinkthink!”: When Ryan tells Sanchez to be extra careful with his next throw.
“Fuggetaboutit”: Turning all Donnie Brasco, Ryan lets Sanchez know that he should get over that last interception.
“Nittany”: When Ryan wants Sanchez to re-discover what talent he displayed during his record-setting performance in the Rose Bowl against the Penn State Nittany Lions.
“Why?”: No explanation needed.
“Burrito”: Get me a burrito, rookie.
“Again!?”: When Ryan expresses displeasure over another interception.
“Peyton”: Be the man.
“Eli”: You stink, Sanchez.
“Brady”: Check out the babe in the first row.
“Fuckit”: When the coach has finally had enough of this juvenile nonsense and tells the kid to sit has ass down.

*The DMSTCW forecasts Mark Sanchez will be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2030 after an 18-year career during which he will accumulate: 111,186 passing yards (he was born on November 11, 1986); 6 Super Bowl championships (to go along with his uniform number); $1 billion in endorsements (including several deals involving teeth-whitening products); 11,550 panties (same numbers as the zip code of the Jets’ headquarters in Hempstead, New York, which incidentally, will be renamed Sanchezstead upon his retirement); enough pats on the behind from Fireman Ed to make him feel uncomfortable; and 1 kiss from Suzy Kolber (willingly given).

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