Tuesday

The Daily Mark Sanchez to Canton Watch: How to beat the Bolts

Mark Sanchez will get plenty of advice heading into Sunday’s game with the Chargers. He grew up in Mission Viejo, about a half-hour north of San Diego and many family members, ex-coaches and hangers-on will be clamoring for his attention. They’ll all offer their advice on how to upset San Diego. We’ve been following the kid all season, so shouldn’t we be in on the tips? We thought so.

So, here are five ways that are guaranteed to help The Sanchise take down the Bolts:

1. Steal the cheerleaders. Put those matinee idol looks to use and take the Chargers’ cheerleaders out for a few drinks Saturday night. When nature takes its course, convince them to cheer for the guys in green come Sunday.

2. Do the Electric Glide. Nothing will shock the Qualcomm Stadium crowd more than seeing the opposing team making fun of LaDainian Tomlinson and one of the cheesiest pieces of YouTubea you’ll ever see.

3. Tell Nate Kaeding you think he’s cute. That’ll work a hell of a lot better than freezing the Bolts’ kicker with a time out.

4. Promise to buy houses. The San Diego real estate market is a wreck. If Sanchez says he’ll purchase every home belonging to fans in attendance if the Jets win, then he steals home-field advantage for his team.

5. Do what you did last week. Stick with what works. And when you put up a 139.8 passer rating in a playoff game, you got it working.

AFC division playoff game info: Sunday, Jets at Chargers, 4:40 p.m. ET, CBS; point spread: Chargers by 7.5; over/under: 42.5.

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*The DMSTCW forecasts Mark Sanchez will be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2030 after an 18-year career during which he will accumulate: 111,186 passing yards (he was born on November 11, 1986); 6 Super Bowl championships (to go along with his uniform number); $1 billion in endorsements (including several deals involving teeth-whitening products); 11,550 panties (same numbers as the zip code of the Jets’ headquarters in Hempstead, New York, which incidentally, will be renamed Sanchezstead upon his retirement); enough pats on the behind from Fireman Ed to make him feel uncomfortable; and 1 kiss from Suzy Kolber (willingly given).